I keep allowing myself to get in these uncomfortable situations with my heart. I’d promised myself I would never fall in love again, not like this. Not with someone who wasn’t ready for the love I have to give. Not with someone who didn’t know if he wanted to love me back. Not with someone who didn’t make me feel like I’m worth everything and more. Not with someone who didn’t make my fairytale come to life.
I’m upset. God, why did you make me so vulnerable, so gullible to love? Why do you allow me to love so easily when you told me to guard my heart above all else? I don’t understand it. Why am I the one who keeps getting my heart broken? What lesson is in this?
“What’s wrong with me? How come you don’t want to be in love with me? What can I do to be perfect for you? Tell me; I’ll do anything, I’ll be anything.” I’ve had Toni Braxton on repeat all morning and it’s making my spirit unsettled. Because every word she sings is exactly how I feel.
I’ve tried loving people just like me, loving people opposite of me, loving people who don’t deserve my love, and nothing ever works. And it hurts. I. Am. Hurting. I am vulnerable. I am tired. I am tired of this repeating cycle. It’s not fun for me. Every time I want to give up, my hopeful heart jumps right back in the mix. “Give it up, heart. Give up on love,” I tell it. But he never listens to me. As bruised and as scarred as he is, he’s relentless.
So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I escape this endless cycle of love and pain? Someone please tell me. I’m hanging on by a thread here.
Monday night, I was riding home. My heart was breaking and I wanted to open the door and jump out at 70mph. It was the first time I’ve seriously contemplated hurting myself because of my heart. And maybe I would have died? Then the pain would be over. I wouldn’t have to love anymore. I’d finally be at peace. I’d finally be free.
Then I was brought back to reality. My hopeful heart wouldn’t allow me to open that door. “Hold on,” it says. Our time is coming. But my mind says, “let go.” Let all the pain go away. So instead of dying, I sleep. I sleep and I work. Work and sleep. The only things that keep me sane. I’d hoped love would keep me grounded, but no one loves me the way I deserve to be loved. Only God.
This is as honest and as transparent as it gets. I don’t want to be bothered. Pray for me.