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The Intrinsic Beast

Before we get started… Hey, y’all. I can’t believe it’s been since April. Whew! Um… I really have no excuse. I’ve just allowed myself to become distracted by things that ultimately do not matter. And there it is. And I want to start this by saying that. I’ve always been very transparent on here, and that will never stop. So, before we begin… I don’t know how much I am going to share. Some things I have to save for a later time, but I hope to share enough to where you get some insight as to why I have been missing from here.

“I’m grown, but I still have much growing to do.”  After I sent this tweet, I immediately started reflecting a little harder. So, the first question I asked myself is Can we ever really be grown? No. That would imply that we have reach capacity. As long as you have life in your body, you will continue to grow one way or another. Life is and will always be your teacher.

In a conversation with a friend, I told him that each time I fall in love it teaches me something new. One love taught me to be open. Another taught me to be honest. And HIS love teaches me grace and patience; mostly with myself.

I’ve went through a divorce since I’ve last posted. Most of this year has been all about feeling, dealing, and healing. Feeling all the love and joy, and the pain and sorry. Learning to deal with those feelings in healthy manners. Finally, healing from those things and moving on.

What I am discovering about myself, through this healing journey, is that no thing is perfect. As hard as I try to make things perfect, they never are. I’ve had to continue to remind myself to give grace, just as God gives us grace. We are not perfect, we operate in sin, which He hates, so He gives us grace.

In that same right, we have to give ourselves grace. Let me say that specifically to myself, I have to give myself grace. On our journey’s we will make mistakes, we will fall short. We will get hurt, and sometimes we may hurt other people. None of these things discounts the power that lies within His grace.

2019 was a tough year for me. Through losing my marriage, I allowed my relationship to God to be weakened. My prayer life suffered. I found myself speaking with Him less and less. I wanted to focus on healing myself from the hurt I experienced, instead of allowing Him to do the healing the way He wanted.

I spent much time running trails around Dallas, diving harder into my work, focusing on my schoolwork. I’m realizing those things were just distractions, although my intent behind them were good. There are current challenges I face that are extensions of the feelings and past hurt that I have not yet dealt with.

On my drive home from visiting family over Thanksgiving, I recommitted myself to God and my prayer life. Now, I am able to hear Him as He guides me through these challenges. A conversation with a friend reiterated the conversations I have recently had with God.

My current test was craftily designed. Had I not been in tune with Him, it is certainly one I would have easily failed. I’m grateful for the strong friends who I have in my circle that keep me grounded and honest.

As in any video game, in any grade school, we cannot exceed our current level when we do not master the objectives that lie before us. Ultimately, we have to make a personal decision that we want what’s God’s best in and for our lives. Sometimes, our own flesh will distract us from what He desires for us.

Therein lies my test. I am learning to relinquish my attempts to control every aspect of my life and hand it over to God. I’ve been stuck in a cycle of making the same mistakes over and over, and that must stop. To go higher, I must learn to fully trust in God’s plan.

So instead of trying to heal myself, I must allow God to do it in His way. Otherwise, I will never get to where I need to be. I will continue to hurt myself and others. That is not His will.

Grace is the missing key. I have to give myself grace to learn, grace to fail, grace to grow. And in that same right, I have to extend that grace to others as they navigate through these same obstacles.

At the start of this new season, my commitment to myself is to live in the rawest form of my truth no matter how it is perceived. My commitment is to allow God to purge and mold me into His image. My commitment is to give Him back the steering wheel.

What are your commitments as you start this new season? Share. Let’s continue to grow together.