David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head…. As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.”
For years I’ve suffered with depression. One week ago, today, I was at a really low point. All day at work, I felt like crying, and I couldn’t pull myself from it. Everyone kept asking what was wrong, and I could not speak about it because I simply did not know. All I knew was there was a void, a dark sadness, and I could not shake it.
Depression has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve suffered from chronic depression since I was a child. For the longest, I thought it stemmed from me not liking my outer appearance. But once my looks improved, that inner sadness was still there. So, I tried filling it with a multitude of things: parties, friends, alcohol, traveling, church, etc. Nothing I did could make it go away.
In 2012, I went through counseling. Through that, I was able to overcome a lot of challenges, mostly stemming from childhood and early adulthood, including pain of relations, family drama, sexuality and religion, and my sense of purpose. At the term of my session, then, I felt like I had overcome that battle with depression.
I was wrong. Shortly after, I began experiencing symptoms of it again. I tried self treatment through prayer and frequently attending church, changing cities and jobs; however, nothing I did worked.
“God, why is this my burden? How come you won’t release me from this?” This was my prayer.
In the silence of me waiting, I’ve still gone through some experiences that triggers this deep sadness from time and time again. At the end of 2016, I began having thoughts of suicide, which I’d never experienced before. I thought by writing about it in my last book “A Vision of Victory” that I could overcome it and be through with it finally.
Yet, here I am again. I began texting one of my Christian friends last week will experiencing my slump with depression. Yet, the more he tried to encourage me with the Word, the heavier I felt, the more pressure I felt. Again, I thought to myself, you’d be better off dead, finally through with this lifelong battle.
I called the Employee Assistance Hotline and, again, got registered for counseling. The perfectionist in me hates not knowing the root cause of my troubles with depression. Everything in me wants this battle to be over.
Saturday, I attended church and it so happened that Joyce Meyer was the guest speaker. She started her message with the above referenced scripture and I immediately knew that I was in the right place at the right time.
As David faced the Philistine, I must face this depression head on. Depression is my giant. This scripture was very encouraging for me because just as David did, I am coming against this spirit in the name of the Lord Almighty. The Lord will deliver this giant into my hand, and I will cut its’ head off. Instead of running away from it, I will run toward it with the power of heaven behind me.
Monday, I went into my first counseling session, and it was great. I thank God for counselors because they have the skill and ability to ask the right questions and help patients self understand and reveal all that is hidden. What’s interesting is that I prayed before I went into the session and as I was talking with the counselor, God began revealing more things to me that I had not realized.
I am optimistic about this process and I am encouraged about all that God is doing.
Practicing transparency has always been what this site, which I consider my public journal,, is about. I hope that my experiences will help encourage others who read this. We all have battles. We all have giants. I’m encouraging you to be like David. Run toward your giant. All of heaven is behind you and nothing will defeat you, in Jesus name. Amen.