Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he’ll give you the desires of your heart.” A little over a month ago, I was visiting a friends apartment. We were out by the pool barbecuing and enjoying conversation and sun. It was a beautiful, 80 degree October day here in Houston. While we were conversing, I noticed a group of small kids – they were brothers and sisters, maybe cousins – playing in the pool. From what I gathered, they shouldn’t have been using the pool; either because they weren’t residents of the complex, or maybe someone had forbade them from using it. However, that didn’t stop them. They were “savages” as one of the little boys put it.
Hebrews 3 says, “When you hear His voice, do not harden your heart.” For a long while, I had the misconception that if and/or when God speaks, there would be a loud, clear voice in which He’d use to communicate His desires. As I spiritually matured and actually began conversing with God on a personal level, I quickly learned that my perceived notion of how God would speak was definitely incorrect, at least in my case. I often find that when God wants to communicate with me, He does so very calmly, through my gut. When God speaks, He speaks directly to my spirit. There is a twitch of anxiety, for lack of a better term, that floats radiantly through my belly. It’s God way of telling me to stop and listen to what He is say, to get into prayer, to connect with Him through the Holy Spirit.
The first Sunday of 2016, I was sitting in my favorite section at church ready to receive the pastor’s declaration over the congregation. “The Year of Acceleration!” he says… “The year God is going to take you further, faster than you’ve ever imagined.” Instantly, I was excited. I felt the Holy Spirit and I knew I was going to be a part of this acceleration. What I didn’t know was how much it would hurt in the process.
6 For the Lord gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds success in store for the upright,
he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
8 for he guards the course of the just
and protects the way of his faithful ones.
“Hurt people hurt people.” At least that what “they” say. Recently, I was hurt. And not to even go into the specifics of the situations, because -at this point- they do not even matter. I remember asking the person who hurt me, “Why did you choose to make the choices you made?” I asked because I genuinely wanted to know. How could anyone hurt someone he or she claims to love? How could anyone continuously exhibit behavior that is detrimental to the mental and physical state of someone who they claim lives in their heart? It did not/has not registered with me still.
I’ll never forget the night we met. You have your sunglasses on. Vibin’. Dancing. You just knew you were the s-h-i-t. And I knew I wanted you. That physical attraction became a love attraction. You stole my heart. It was completely accidental. Two worlds clashing into one. You “cut off the hoes” for ya boy *insert smirk* You made me feel so special. I wonder if you know how much I admire you. A young, black, successful man. I’m so proud to stand by your side. Our styles complement each other, but more importantly, I believe in you. I believe in all that you can be. I see you the way God sees you and that makes me love you even more.
Creepy, but I watch you as you sleep. Your heavy, grizzly-like breathing does more to me than you can imagine. Especially after I fed you, or we’ve made love… and you gracefully fall asleep. I’m left awake thinking, “Wow. I did that!” I’ve made him happy. When we’re making love and I’m whispering in your ear, “I’ll do anything for you,” it’s not me being caught in the moment; I really would do anything for you. I love you that much. I love you so much it hurts.
It hurts when you can’t express yourself to me. It hurts when we can talk. Last night I thought I would die. I laid crying uncontrollably on the living room floor as you slumbered away in the bed. What can I do to be perfect for him? How can I be better… for him? That’s where the hurt comes in. Tell me what you want and I’ll do it.
Fifty years from now I still want to lay on your chest and listen to you breathe. I still want you to fall asleep in my lap after you eat and I’m up watching Criminal Minds or Power or Game of Thrones or whatever show that annoys the shit out of you. I want to wake you up by jumping in the bed every morning and repeating your name over and over just to annoy you. I want to bother you for the rest of my life, because that’s how much I love you.
I can’t picture myself going a day without you. I want to wake up to your morning breath every day… And that doesn’t matter because the minute you flash me that gorgeous smile, I’ll dive right into your mouth for a morning kiss. That’s how much I love you.
I know it hasn’t been easy, but it’s worth it. It’s frustrating, but I’m willing to learn, if you’re willing to teach. I’m willing to teach you how to treat me, but this has to be a two-way street.
All of that concludes with these final thoughts…. If we are honest and trusting with one another, then we will thrive. Baby, I want to be your best friend. I want to know all of your secrets. I want you to tell me all of your fears. Just as you are my Superman, I’ll be your Robin. I’ll always have your back and I’ll never be too far away when you call. That’s how much I love you.
I keep allowing myself to get in these uncomfortable situations with my heart. I’d promised myself I would never fall in love again, not like this. Not with someone who wasn’t ready for the love I have to give. Not with someone who didn’t know if he wanted to love me back. Not with someone who didn’t make me feel like I’m worth everything and more. Not with someone who didn’t make my fairytale come to life.
I’m upset. God, why did you make me so vulnerable, so gullible to love? Why do you allow me to love so easily when you told me to guard my heart above all else? I don’t understand it. Why am I the one who keeps getting my heart broken? What lesson is in this?
“What’s wrong with me? How come you don’t want to be in love with me? What can I do to be perfect for you? Tell me; I’ll do anything, I’ll be anything.” I’ve had Toni Braxton on repeat all morning and it’s making my spirit unsettled. Because every word she sings is exactly how I feel.
I’ve tried loving people just like me, loving people opposite of me, loving people who don’t deserve my love, and nothing ever works. And it hurts. I. Am. Hurting. I am vulnerable. I am tired. I am tired of this repeating cycle. It’s not fun for me. Every time I want to give up, my hopeful heart jumps right back in the mix. “Give it up, heart. Give up on love,” I tell it. But he never listens to me. As bruised and as scarred as he is, he’s relentless.
So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I escape this endless cycle of love and pain? Someone please tell me. I’m hanging on by a thread here.
Monday night, I was riding home. My heart was breaking and I wanted to open the door and jump out at 70mph. It was the first time I’ve seriously contemplated hurting myself because of my heart. And maybe I would have died? Then the pain would be over. I wouldn’t have to love anymore. I’d finally be at peace. I’d finally be free.
Then I was brought back to reality. My hopeful heart wouldn’t allow me to open that door. “Hold on,” it says. Our time is coming. But my mind says, “let go.” Let all the pain go away. So instead of dying, I sleep. I sleep and I work. Work and sleep. The only things that keep me sane. I’d hoped love would keep me grounded, but no one loves me the way I deserve to be loved. Only God.
This is as honest and as transparent as it gets. I don’t want to be bothered. Pray for me.
Sometimes I wish we’d never met That we’d never locked eyes on that dance floor that February night
That’d I’d never fallen in love with you
Then I wouldn’t be scared
I wouldn’t be scared of loving you, of hurting you
Sometimes I wish I’d never caught feelings
Then I could see you without being week in the knees
I could be near you without being so helpless, so vulnerable
Sometimes I wish love didn’t hurt
But the pain lets me know it’s real
But sometimes I want the love
Just the love without the pain
Sometimes I wish you would just get me
Get inside of this complicated, was eccentric, bipolar head of mine and just know me
Accept me flaws and all
Sometimes I wish we could do it all over
We’d met, but I’d tell my past self to be cautious
To not fall in love with you
To not let you become my super hero
To take it at face value
Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wish
That I would just live for the moment
Creating our own moments and not allowing everyday obstacles to limit and restrain us
After all the wishing, I’m brought back to reality
The reality is that I’m in love with you
And that scares the shit out of me
I’m scared this may actually work
I’m scared you might actually be the one
And I’m scared you will hurt me
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a hopeless romantic
But that I am and will always be
And for that, I’ll do it scared
I’ll give this my all
I’ll dive in head first
And I pray this works
“Forever He is glorified. Forever He is lifted is lifted high. Forever He is risen. He is alive! He is alive!”